..........Friendship is my heart

Well... there is this funny thing that happens as you get older, you grow up (at least some people do).


As I "grow up" I have learned many things... sometimes... things that I wish I didn't have to learn, others that I can't believe I went this long without realizing.


I have learned that friendships take work. When I was younger, I was under the impression that if someone was my friend, I would not ever get mad at them and vice versa. That I wouldn't have to do anything other than be friends in order to have a good relationship. WRONG!


Just as newlyweds are under the impression that the love will just come... I was under the impression for way too long that friendships did not take work.





Recently I realized that just like any other relationship, friendship takes a bit of work. I love my friends with all of my heart, and they are such an amazing addition to my life. I figured out that friendship isn't about always being friends.


It's about loving these friends through the fun times, the crazy times, the hard times, and the trying times.
It's' about calling and talking just because you feel like it... even if you don't have the time... and even if you have absolutely nothing of importance to say (which is usually the case with me).

It's funny,... now that I have moved back home, I swear I think my friendship with one amazing friend (code shaft, lol)... has grown stronger because we are both making an attempt to call and chat whenever possible. I think it has helped me keep my sanity (shut up Sarah, I WAS sane at one time...stop laughing) now that I am back with my parents. Even though I miss her terribly, I think we talk more now than we had for awhile. We have grown so much closer, and I always enjoy making her laugh... we both seem to be really good at making the other laugh...especially when we aren't trying. Another incident of uncontrollable cackling....

Friends love you for who you are, not who you pretend to be, what you can give them, or how often you get to see them. I am blessed to have a select few "best" friends, whom I would not trade for all of the fake friends & aquaintences in the world. These friends know my heart, and I know theirs... and they know who they are.

Peace be still...please be still

I don't really have a whole lot to say at the moment... other than I am procrastinating and my mind is running all over the place. Bad, bad, bad.

I considered doing a research project on procrastination... but I never got around to it .

I am trying to organize my bedroom and study... and it is a daunting task,...anyone wanna come help?

I keep moving from one thing to another...and can't seem to get anything done.

I think my problem is I FINALLY have a day to myself, for the most part... and truthfully, I just want to stay in my pj's and curl up in the bed and watch tv.

Since I moved back in with my parents, I am constantly being questioned about what I am doing, why I am doing it, and how long I will be doing it... and I just ...grrr. I am 26 years old, and being treated like a kid most days.

I am greatful to have such supportive and loving parents who are willing to let me stay with them until I get established enough etc to be on my own again....but some days...

On to my next topic...

I am really wanting to start looking for a church family again. I really miss it, but haven't found anywhere that I really like...and haven't been looking that hard.

Well, I suppose I should work for a bit and then take a little rest.

Aunt Cat is Pennsylvania Bound

So...

This isn't completely official yet, but it's official enough for me to blog about it... because I need to.

My Aunt is undergoing surgery in mid January, and it is looking like my mom and I will be heading up to PA to help out with everything. I need to try and get a job lined up for when we return though. We are both very worried about her, and my other two aunts and how they will get through it all.

No one asked us to go up, but we both feel like we should, and we want to. It is very hard being so far away from my aunts and my Goddaughters. I miss them all so much.

My best friend since birth (literally) is getting married in October, and is having a mini "engagement" party at the begining of the month, so hopefully we will be there in time for that.

I am also really worried about my Goddaughter Madison.

She has always been so active, and still is... but for the past few years she has been getting sick frequently, and it always seems to hit her...HARD. A few weeks ago it was a bad case of pneumonia, and now it is something called 5ths disease...never heard of it, but it is apparently legit. What worries me the most is her fevers... she keeps spiking temps of up to 106 that just won't stay under control on their own. I am scared to death of it spiking during the night and causing irreversible damage...I knew someone from church who was permanently handicapped mentally from a spike in temp.

I will feel much better once I see her and hug her... I am thinking this Aunt Cat is gonna be tagging along to the doc's if her mom will let me. I miss them both so much (left to right Madison, Aunt Cat, and Emma). Emma doll, you my dear need to stop growing too! You are both just getting too big! You don't need to hold off growing too much longer, Aunt Cat is on her way (in a week or so).

It's been awhile

Hey everyone!

My apologies for taking so long to post again, I will try to do better now that I am DONE SCHOOL!!!

There have been a lot of changes in my life lately... I graduated with my Masters in counseling, and am currently seeking employment and supervision so that I can get licensed in the not to distant future. I am still alone, and still no admirerers...so if anyone knows any motivated single men...send em my way, lol. Many of my friends have gotten married, suffered losses that I can't even begin to relate to, and had children. I had the opportunity to see the movie fireproof, and it moved me...even as a single woman, it was thought provoking and worthwhile.

Last April I suffered a small stroke that completely turned my world upside down. It confirmed to me that there are some people that just can't handle being friends with someone who is sick...and there are others who would take a bullet for me, and support me no matter how tough the times are, without any alterior motives.

Someone whom I considered to be a very dear friend completely stopped talking to me after this incident, but handled it for two years prior. It killed me for so long, and then when she accused me of trying to make her feel guilty for cutting off contact, the knife was not only in me, but was twisted. For about a week recently I was really upset because I felt (and some days still do) that I had/have been forgotten by someone whom I, unfortunately will never forget. But through lots of prayer, listening to loss of friendship songs, and just allowing myself to be upset, I have been feeling better about the situation.

I have strengthened my relationship with one of my best friends, and I feel more like she is a sister. I don't know what I would do without her. God has blessed me with amazing friends who understand and rejoice with me in my strengths, support me through my weaknesses, and encourage me in my future.

I hate not being around my "sister" Sarah anymore since I moved back in with my parents in Cleveland. But we talk so much more now, and honestly...I doubt our parents could have handled us as sisters. Sarah and Caitlin, I love you both and could not live without your friendship. And Beck, I love you too!... Being so far away has pulled us apart somewhat... but I miss you and can't wait to be the maid of honor in your wedding.

I came across a wall hanging that spoke to me... it said "There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past, there is a reason why they didn't make it into your future."

The verse Peter 5:10 was also helpful in the healing process. Everyone has a story.

So, that is all for now, I believe.

Overwhelmed

Hey guys and gals, how goes it???

I am a few weeks into my 2nd year of grad school... and it's kicking my ass! I want to stay on top of things, but I just can't!! I want to do other things because they are easier for me to comprehend, and well... frankly, they are more enjoyable.

I can't remember jack about group sessions to write my logs, even if I go to write them directly after it is over. I joke about it being procrastination... but I am mentally just not able for some reason. I don't like asking for the accomodations that I am entitled to... even though I should. Other classes are ok, minus one, where I want to inflict physical pain every time I enter the classroom....it just sucks!

My mom injured herself, so I am worried about that, and my Aunt is having to undergo yet another surgery, which has me concerned as well.

I am the maid of honor in one wedding, and a bridesmaid in another (both close friends)... and I am SO honored!!! I have even gotten to go along to pick out dresses! Wedding stuff is so fun for me! I love helping out with this stuff! I was with Sarah when she picked out her wedding dress, and I almost cried!

The day I was with Sarah and her mom, I ended up staying awake from 9am that morning until 10pm Sunday. I thought it was from activity, but in reality I think it is because I hurt a very dear friend. I am trying to make amends with her, but I understand that she is still angry with me. That night I collapsed on the bathroom floor crying, for many reasons. No one in real life approaches me, I still feel like I need to pretend everything is fine when it's not, and I'm just at my breaking point.
I want to be everything for everyone. I have a test tomorrow, and dumby me, I haven't studied yet. Taking a friend out to lunch for her birthday, and trying to plan a bday party for her over the weekend. All of which I enjoy doing!
The weddings are rapidly approaching, and I love being in them! I just have to be careful not to carry out MY visions in their weddings. I love you two!!!!!! And miss Caitlin, your's is coming up soon too!!!

Alright, well... I am overwhelmed with everything, but in a good way. I want to date, but that is difficult as well. I'm trying to be real and "in the moment"... but it's much harder than I thought! I am continuously reminded of the poem "paintbrush". Ok, about to fall asleep.

Love to all, always and forever...
Cat

A friends wedding and Random thoughts from yours truly...

Sunday October 22, 2006

So... I am positively miserable tonight. I feel like I'm coming down with something, or it's just the excitement from the day.

A friend of ours got married today... it was a Catholic ceremony, with plenty of kneeling-praying-kneel-stand-sit-pray etc.../ My friends and I went together, which was great... the inseperables minus one were back together again!

It is actually kind of sad to go to these weddings... but I love them anyway. I cried...yes, I cried. The photo queen was there to capture the special moments and provide tissues for the mother of the bride. Not to mention ponder when and if I will ever get married.
I'm thinking I want to wait until I have started my practice... or more importantly, starting to date again would be a good start (lol)! No one knows what life brings. The boquet toss was interesting... I almost caught it, until it took an unexpected and hillarious twist of fate... and clobered one of my friends on the head. She didn't catch it... it caught her right upside the head . Guess she's next!

Balancing time with friends is an interesting task, so is replying to/ignoring (depending on who or what people say) new people that have taken a sudden interest in me. Completing assignments on time is also a daunting task ...
I'm so tired it hurts, but I can't seem to sleep. Letting go of the day is difficult for me, and it's making me crazy!
My mom is finally coming home after over a month in PA helping take care of an injured Aunt. We are very close, but lately I feel myself pulling away. Not from the closeness... but from the whole answering to someone... I have grown so much intellectually, spiritually and socially during this semester, and I don't want to... oh hell, I don't know!
I am also missing my Goddaughters desperately right now, and vice versa. Ok, so that's all for tonight

November, 2006 Pain Attack

OK... let me just say OW! Not writing this to whine... just vent. The rain is getting to me worse today than it usually does. Just sitting upright is painful for me right now. I have a class tonight where I'm going to be going over 3 chapters... marvelous. And tomorrow I have about a 2.5 hour drive home for the weekend. I'm totally wishing I could skip class right about now, but that wouldn't be very studious of me now would it.? I seriously think I might cry, and that's unusual for the pain to be so bad that I can't handle it. Normally I suck it up. Ok, so that's enough bitching for today :)
Love to all!Cat

I Remember

I remember when I was fearless to the point where I would walk up to random people and say "excuse me, I have nothing to say"...

I remember getting a package of Leigh’s and going to the mall in PA and randomly placing them over people’s heads and saying "you have just been laid"...

I remember walking to Hardees in my aerobics class in HS while wearing a Chiquita banana costume and then singing "Happy Birthday Mr. President" while standing on the table...

I remember when I had enough energy to get up at 7am after a rowdy sleepover and then at 8am proceed to walk the neighborhood singing "my backs a breakin' my bra's too tight" with mountain dew in our hands.

I remember when energy was always there, and it wasn't necessary to sleep for hours on end just to do things I enjoy.

I remember when I didn't need medication to keep me going every day, to keep the pain at bay and my energy at a somewhat normal level.

I remember when life seemed carefree and the world was at my fingertips.

I remember when I didn't have to pretend that I feel good all the time.

Recently…

I remember new people coming into my life, and mixing things up. New friends, new experiences (really new)!

Now I remember feeling a little bit of invincibility in recent days, and that scares me, because I tend to push myself too hard.

I remember wondering what I did to deserve such wonderful people in my life.

And why someone would actually be interested in me.

I remember crying just the other night, like I have never cried before… because I just want to be normal again. The word hysterics does not even begin to explain how distraught I was.

I remember feeling that maybe I am not as strong as I once thought. How can I help others, when I am hurting so bad inside, but I feel like I have to hide it… or explain it.

I remember… I am strong enough.

God brought everyone into my life when my heart was open and ready to accept them. He did not give me more than I can handle, I just need to be reminded of this once in a while.

I remember, I have friends going through things that I could not handle. I love you all. Thank you for your love and support, laughter and friendship, silliness and insanity. I am blessed.

Pain Attack

Well, for those of you who have fibro... you know what a pain attack is all about.
For those who don't, I pray that you never experience one! It basically feels like your body comitting assault and battery on itself. Usually my lyrica can keep the attacks under control, but for some reason it is really bad tonight/this morning. I've noticed that when I have an eventful day, the pain is worse... it's like punishment for having fun. It's 4a.m. and I can't sleep because of this pain. I'm mad because I have plans for tomorrow... not to mention I have tons of work to be doing.

I had such an amazing day today...actually, yesterday. The day started VERY early... 5am (not by choice). I called the behavioral research institute at 7am, and got a call back for an interview by 8:30am! And then, a very good friend of mine asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding! Shortly there-after, we went shopping for dresses. After endlessly plowing thru a sea of white dresses, she found one that she loved and then I helped lace up the back (boy is that a hard job! Guess that's why you have more than one bridesmaid... teamwork!). I got all sad-ish/girly while carrying and fixing her train. She looked beautiful! She's the first friend I've gone wedding dress shopping with. After she found her dress (we think)... it was off to find the bridesmaids dress...she tried to be funny and make me pick the color/style... for those who know me, I can't make decisions. We actually found one that we both loved, and there were a few in the bridesmaids book that were pretty too.

Then we went to dinner and bowling with her husband to be. Bowling after drinking is interesting. but i still beat at least one of them!

Ok, so the pain has finally subsided enough to the point where I could fall asleep (and it's 4:15am). And people wonder why I have trouble with school. I hate dealing with this. But it's my life.

Normal would be nice

So...
I am starting my third week of grad school on Monday. And I have a fever of 100.2 ... marvelous!
This really frustrates me. The problem you ask?... I have been trying to do too much right off the bat. I am trying to be "normal". Doing things that other people want me to do, and truthfully, I want to do most of the things too.

Things that are zapping my energy/stress me out/in need of processing:

1) forging new relationships in and out of school.
-my current friends know all about my health issues and accept them. They have had time to
process the information, and don't hold it against me when I am too tired to do something or
call them back.
- I haven't had as much time socializing as most people my age have. They have gone on plenty of
dates, had relationships, etc... I haven't. It's all as new to me as it was to most people in high
school. ( I was in HS for a year or two off and on, and dated a bit, was in a two year
relationship, had friends...but not to the same extent).
- So I freak out REALLY easily! This is especially true with the opposite sex. I'm just now
comfortable around guys that I have known for a semester... see how wierd I am?
2) school work
-reading and studying can be difficult and energy consuming for me. My mind does not work
like everyone elses. I can't always verbalize what I'm thinking, which makes me look stupid
sometimes.
-if I end up sick, the work is even harder for me. Concentration is a joke!
3) adjusting to being away from home
-calling my mom and letting her know what I'm doing etc... I realize I shouldn't have to do this
at my age, but if your mom had been through with you/done for what she has done for me,
it's a small price to pay to keep her at ease.
4) keeping existing friendships in tact
-getting to do things with friends is a favorite use of my energy, but often follows after school.
So I don't always have the resources to do what I would like to do.
5) explaining myself
--I feel like I always have to account for my actions as to why I can't do something, when
in reality I should just let people deal with it and not worry.

Well I feel a lot better now, although I'm sure I sound like a complete loser and a wreck. But you know what? I have friends and family who love me, and my health comes first.

And I hope to take all of these difficulties that I encounter, and use them as tools to allow me to help other people with chronic health problems cope, live, learn, and love.

That's all for now! And comments are very welcome!
Cat

Some background to help you understand me...

Before reading my posts and thinking I'm a whimp who can't deal with every day pressures, do a little research before drawing such conclusions.

Try going to the cfidsers.org website and click on the link "living with cfids", take those suggestions out for a spin and see if you understand a little better.

Also, CFIDS is not my only health condition, I have a genetic connective tissue disorder which keeps me from healing properly and I sustain injuries very easily. A blood pressure disorder, a chronic pain condition which is enhanced by the connective tissue disorder, TMJ, allergies, asthma, and on top of everything else, a Chiari malformation and cervical stenosis.

I underwent surgical correction for the chiari malformation at just 17 years of age. They did what is called a suboccipital craniectomy. This is where they go in and remove a piece of your skull to make room in the crowded area. (Sounds simple, right?) Well, in most people they would put in a bovine patch to take the place of your bone. But in my condition because of the added complications of the Ehlers Danlos (connective tissue disorder) and cervical stenosis, the patch was not a possibility. So yes, folks... I have an extra hole in my head.
Before the surgery I was bedridden, physically unable to walk due to numbness. This numbness was the precurser to flat out paralysis...and after the paralysis sets in, death is possible. All the while dealing with this, I had doctors telling me there was nothing wrong (sorry ya idiots... if you can't feel your own body, something is wrong). It wasn't until my films were sent up to my specialist who saw what he had feared and then on to a facility who was familiar with these films that they were able to see the problem... and then fix it. FINALLY!

Okay, so now that you know the background... I can go on to my next post

Frustration...

So, I am still struggling with the loss of my dog, it's going much better now, but still hard. When I heard a song the other day, it made me cry. "I let you go, I let you fly, why do I keep on asking why"... it was exactly how I felt.

My animals, along with my family have been a large part of my ability to cope with my illnesses. And I think that is what makes it so hard for me. Some days I wish I was just normal...but then again, who determines what is "normal"?

Everything I have been through, especially the bad things, have made me who I am. I feel that God has done this FOR me, not TO me. But some days I still get FRUSTRATED and SAD!
Most of the activities that I love doing, I can no longer do because of the brain surgery I had. I can't go horseback riding, no parasailing, going on roller coasters, or anything else like that. Just thinking about it makes me sad. I owe my life to the doctors and the surgery, and my family...but oh the pain, the desire to have had a normal 4 years in high school. Prom, homecoming, bad grades, all of those little things that people take for granted...I long for.

I am much more mature than my peers, and have been through more in my lifetime than they probably ever will... but you know what, that is life. This is my life, and I have a purpose. I will help people, and I can't wait to start. I am hoping that in some way, this blog that I am starting will be a small dent in what I hope to accomplish in my lifetime.

So for now, God bless, and live each day the best way that you know how, because a portion of it can be taken from you at any time, without warning.

Maggie

My dog Maggie had to be put to sleep on Wednesday because of two tumors (one pressing on her lungs, and one pressing on her liver, pushing everything out of place). Because of her age (14 in dog years...90 something in human years) and the size of the tumors, morally, ethically, and humanely, this was the only option. She was an adorable Yorkie... full of life and love! She absolutely loved to chase tennis balls and go swimming, she would even go down to the garden in the summer and come back with a turtle in her mouth.

I never really considered myself to be a dog person, mainly because of the messes they make (I guess)...but I loved her. Before we took her in to the vets, I told my cats what was going on (no, I'm not crazy... I just feel that animals are smarter and feel more than we give them credit for). Lefty, our 3 legged cat who had a fight with cancer several years ago and has been with Maggie since they were babies, did the most touching thing. I had to carrie Maggie into the house, and I told Lefty to say goodbye. He licked her on the head, and then put his nose in her ear for a minute or two, and then Maggie went limp in my arms. I really think he said goodbye, and that he somehow communicated to her what was about to happen. And I thought she had just died in my arms, but she hadn't. I never expected it to be this hard.

When we came home from the vets, seeing her food dishes on the floor sent me into tears again. The reminders seem to be never ending...her food, leash, bed, tennis balls etc. Swimming was not the same, nor was eating dinner and not having her there begging. Even my cats are missing her, I came down one morning to find Abby, our calico cat laying up on the chair by the doors in the kitchen staring out onto the porch at the bed where Maggie liked to lay when she was outside. Lefty continues to holler at the top of his lungs.

It is now Saturday, and I still keep crying off and on, but not as much. SO, how does this realte to living with CFIDS, well... for those of you familiar with it...STRESS KILLS (so to speak). My pain that was under control thanks to a new medicine, came back with a vengeance yesterday. And I now have an extremely sore throat and my fatigue is worse than usual. Hopefully this is just a temporary setback, and won't turn into a full blown relapse.

I never knew it would be this hard...