Thursday, September 20, 2007


Hey guys and gals, how goes it???

I am a few weeks into my 2nd year of grad school... and it's kicking my ass! I want to stay on top of things, but I just can't!! I want to do other things because they are easier for me to comprehend, and well... frankly, they are more enjoyable.

I can't remember jack about group sessions to write my logs, even if I go to write them directly after it is over. I joke about it being procrastination... but I am mentally just not able for some reason. I don't like asking for the accomodations that I am entitled to... even though I should. Other classes are ok, minus one, where I want to inflict physical pain every time I enter the just sucks!

My mom injured herself, so I am worried about that, and my Aunt is having to undergo yet another surgery, which has me concerned as well.

I am the maid of honor in one wedding, and a bridesmaid in another (both close friends)... and I am SO honored!!! I have even gotten to go along to pick out dresses! Wedding stuff is so fun for me! I love helping out with this stuff! I was with Sarah when she picked out her wedding dress, and I almost cried!

The day I was with Sarah and her mom, I ended up staying awake from 9am that morning until 10pm Sunday. I thought it was from activity, but in reality I think it is because I hurt a very dear friend. I am trying to make amends with her, but I understand that she is still angry with me. That night I collapsed on the bathroom floor crying, for many reasons. No one in real life approaches me, I still feel like I need to pretend everything is fine when it's not, and I'm just at my breaking point.
I want to be everything for everyone. I have a test tomorrow, and dumby me, I haven't studied yet. Taking a friend out to lunch for her birthday, and trying to plan a bday party for her over the weekend. All of which I enjoy doing!
The weddings are rapidly approaching, and I love being in them! I just have to be careful not to carry out MY visions in their weddings. I love you two!!!!!! And miss Caitlin, your's is coming up soon too!!!

Alright, well... I am overwhelmed with everything, but in a good way. I want to date, but that is difficult as well. I'm trying to be real and "in the moment"... but it's much harder than I thought! I am continuously reminded of the poem "paintbrush". Ok, about to fall asleep.

Love to all, always and forever...

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

A friends wedding and Random thoughts from yours truly...

Sunday October 22, 2006

So... I am positively miserable tonight. I feel like I'm coming down with something, or it's just the excitement from the day.

A friend of ours got married today... it was a Catholic ceremony, with plenty of kneeling-praying-kneel-stand-sit-pray etc.../ My friends and I went together, which was great... the inseperables minus one were back together again!

It is actually kind of sad to go to these weddings... but I love them anyway. I cried...yes, I cried. The photo queen was there to capture the special moments and provide tissues for the mother of the bride. Not to mention ponder when and if I will ever get married.
I'm thinking I want to wait until I have started my practice... or more importantly, starting to date again would be a good start (lol)! No one knows what life brings. The boquet toss was interesting... I almost caught it, until it took an unexpected and hillarious twist of fate... and clobered one of my friends on the head. She didn't catch it... it caught her right upside the head . Guess she's next!

Balancing time with friends is an interesting task, so is replying to/ignoring (depending on who or what people say) new people that have taken a sudden interest in me. Completing assignments on time is also a daunting task ...
I'm so tired it hurts, but I can't seem to sleep. Letting go of the day is difficult for me, and it's making me crazy!
My mom is finally coming home after over a month in PA helping take care of an injured Aunt. We are very close, but lately I feel myself pulling away. Not from the closeness... but from the whole answering to someone... I have grown so much intellectually, spiritually and socially during this semester, and I don't want to... oh hell, I don't know!
I am also missing my Goddaughters desperately right now, and vice versa. Ok, so that's all for tonight

November, 2006 Pain Attack

OK... let me just say OW! Not writing this to whine... just vent. The rain is getting to me worse today than it usually does. Just sitting upright is painful for me right now. I have a class tonight where I'm going to be going over 3 chapters... marvelous. And tomorrow I have about a 2.5 hour drive home for the weekend. I'm totally wishing I could skip class right about now, but that wouldn't be very studious of me now would it.? I seriously think I might cry, and that's unusual for the pain to be so bad that I can't handle it. Normally I suck it up. Ok, so that's enough bitching for today :)
Love to all!Cat

I Remember

I remember when I was fearless to the point where I would walk up to random people and say "excuse me, I have nothing to say"...

I remember getting a package of Leigh’s and going to the mall in PA and randomly placing them over people’s heads and saying "you have just been laid"...

I remember walking to Hardees in my aerobics class in HS while wearing a Chiquita banana costume and then singing "Happy Birthday Mr. President" while standing on the table...

I remember when I had enough energy to get up at 7am after a rowdy sleepover and then at 8am proceed to walk the neighborhood singing "my backs a breakin' my bra's too tight" with mountain dew in our hands.

I remember when energy was always there, and it wasn't necessary to sleep for hours on end just to do things I enjoy.

I remember when I didn't need medication to keep me going every day, to keep the pain at bay and my energy at a somewhat normal level.

I remember when life seemed carefree and the world was at my fingertips.

I remember when I didn't have to pretend that I feel good all the time.


I remember new people coming into my life, and mixing things up. New friends, new experiences (really new)!

Now I remember feeling a little bit of invincibility in recent days, and that scares me, because I tend to push myself too hard.

I remember wondering what I did to deserve such wonderful people in my life.

And why someone would actually be interested in me.

I remember crying just the other night, like I have never cried before… because I just want to be normal again. The word hysterics does not even begin to explain how distraught I was.

I remember feeling that maybe I am not as strong as I once thought. How can I help others, when I am hurting so bad inside, but I feel like I have to hide it… or explain it.

I remember… I am strong enough.

God brought everyone into my life when my heart was open and ready to accept them. He did not give me more than I can handle, I just need to be reminded of this once in a while.

I remember, I have friends going through things that I could not handle. I love you all. Thank you for your love and support, laughter and friendship, silliness and insanity. I am blessed.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Pain Attack

Well, for those of you who have fibro... you know what a pain attack is all about.
For those who don't, I pray that you never experience one! It basically feels like your body comitting assault and battery on itself. Usually my lyrica can keep the attacks under control, but for some reason it is really bad tonight/this morning. I've noticed that when I have an eventful day, the pain is worse... it's like punishment for having fun. It's 4a.m. and I can't sleep because of this pain. I'm mad because I have plans for tomorrow... not to mention I have tons of work to be doing.

I had such an amazing day today...actually, yesterday. The day started VERY early... 5am (not by choice). I called the behavioral research institute at 7am, and got a call back for an interview by 8:30am! And then, a very good friend of mine asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding! Shortly there-after, we went shopping for dresses. After endlessly plowing thru a sea of white dresses, she found one that she loved and then I helped lace up the back (boy is that a hard job! Guess that's why you have more than one bridesmaid... teamwork!). I got all sad-ish/girly while carrying and fixing her train. She looked beautiful! She's the first friend I've gone wedding dress shopping with. After she found her dress (we think)... it was off to find the bridesmaids dress...she tried to be funny and make me pick the color/style... for those who know me, I can't make decisions. We actually found one that we both loved, and there were a few in the bridesmaids book that were pretty too.

Then we went to dinner and bowling with her husband to be. Bowling after drinking is interesting. but i still beat at least one of them!

Ok, so the pain has finally subsided enough to the point where I could fall asleep (and it's 4:15am). And people wonder why I have trouble with school. I hate dealing with this. But it's my life.