Friday, October 26, 2012

One year: Our family chain is broken

They say memories are golden Well maybe that's true But we never wanted memories We only wanted you.

A million times we've needed you A million times we've cried If love alone could have saved you You never would have died.

In life we loved you dearly In death we love you still In our hearts you hold a special place No one could ever fill.

If tears could build a staircase And heartache build a lane We'd walk the path to heaven And bring you back again.

Our family chain is broken And nothing seems the same But as God calls us one by one The chain will link again.

~autthor unknown

We miss you Rachel!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Did I grieve, or just get it done?

This past week leading up to the one year anniversary of the death of my sister in law at 34 has been wreaking havoc on me.

Just how many people do you know of that break down in tears at the county clerks office? Switching the title over from her name to his... Damn, that made it real... Very real.

After that I've had short bouts of tears for no reason. At the time; it was all mechanical. This, this, this, and that needs to be done. No time to think, no energy to allow for tears or weakness. I needed to be the strong one for my brother. I don't regret doing any of it one bit, but as the day gets closer (Friday, the 26th)... The more evident it becomes to me that I never really grieved... I just did what needed to be done.

I was driving to pick him up at work today the song "his mercies" came on the radio, and set me off AGAIN.

The song itself is beautiful, but this particular portion really hit me and reminded me that hey, you are still needed where you are, this is the purpose I have for you right now. Do not question.
" Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops, What if Your healing comes through tears, What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near, What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise"

I trust your trials, Lord, I do...  Well, I do my best.

Friends, fellow bloggers, please remember us, pray for us, my bro especially, and my whole family as we make it through the end of our first year without her.

Monday, October 08, 2012

I know you're here

Tomorrow will be exactly a year from when my sister in law was hospitalized. On October 26 she left this world, and left us all with a big hole.

At the start of this month my brother and I have been experiencing her presence. Things showing up, being moved, dreams, etc. It's a bit strange, yet oddly comforting. The following lyrics from Barry Manilows song "I know you're there" explain it perfectly.

My friends all use the past tense when they speak of you And so to make them comfortable I use it too They'd soon have me committed if they only knew What I believe with all my heart is true

I know you're there Although it's nothing I can prove I know you're there By just the way the shadows move And though I said goodbye and finally let you go I know you're there Although I don't know how I know

I know you see The crazy things I sometimes do They make you laugh So I still do them just for you And when I'm entertaining all the friends I love I know you see And that you're laughing from above

You needn't panic I'm not consulting any guru Calling psychics Or practicing with voodoo I'm not manic or depressive I just miss you

So I'll go on Enjoying every lovely day Because I'm sure You would've wanted it that way And when there's sorrow it's no more than I can bear Because you are, and always were, and always will be there