Sunday, August 06, 2006


So, I am still struggling with the loss of my dog, it's going much better now, but still hard. When I heard a song the other day, it made me cry. "I let you go, I let you fly, why do I keep on asking why"... it was exactly how I felt.

My animals, along with my family have been a large part of my ability to cope with my illnesses. And I think that is what makes it so hard for me. Some days I wish I was just normal...but then again, who determines what is "normal"?

Everything I have been through, especially the bad things, have made me who I am. I feel that God has done this FOR me, not TO me. But some days I still get FRUSTRATED and SAD!
Most of the activities that I love doing, I can no longer do because of the brain surgery I had. I can't go horseback riding, no parasailing, going on roller coasters, or anything else like that. Just thinking about it makes me sad. I owe my life to the doctors and the surgery, and my family...but oh the pain, the desire to have had a normal 4 years in high school. Prom, homecoming, bad grades, all of those little things that people take for granted...I long for.

I am much more mature than my peers, and have been through more in my lifetime than they probably ever will... but you know what, that is life. This is my life, and I have a purpose. I will help people, and I can't wait to start. I am hoping that in some way, this blog that I am starting will be a small dent in what I hope to accomplish in my lifetime.

So for now, God bless, and live each day the best way that you know how, because a portion of it can be taken from you at any time, without warning.

Saturday, August 05, 2006


My dog Maggie had to be put to sleep on Wednesday because of two tumors (one pressing on her lungs, and one pressing on her liver, pushing everything out of place). Because of her age (14 in dog years...90 something in human years) and the size of the tumors, morally, ethically, and humanely, this was the only option. She was an adorable Yorkie... full of life and love! She absolutely loved to chase tennis balls and go swimming, she would even go down to the garden in the summer and come back with a turtle in her mouth.

I never really considered myself to be a dog person, mainly because of the messes they make (I guess)...but I loved her. Before we took her in to the vets, I told my cats what was going on (no, I'm not crazy... I just feel that animals are smarter and feel more than we give them credit for). Lefty, our 3 legged cat who had a fight with cancer several years ago and has been with Maggie since they were babies, did the most touching thing. I had to carrie Maggie into the house, and I told Lefty to say goodbye. He licked her on the head, and then put his nose in her ear for a minute or two, and then Maggie went limp in my arms. I really think he said goodbye, and that he somehow communicated to her what was about to happen. And I thought she had just died in my arms, but she hadn't. I never expected it to be this hard.

When we came home from the vets, seeing her food dishes on the floor sent me into tears again. The reminders seem to be never ending...her food, leash, bed, tennis balls etc. Swimming was not the same, nor was eating dinner and not having her there begging. Even my cats are missing her, I came down one morning to find Abby, our calico cat laying up on the chair by the doors in the kitchen staring out onto the porch at the bed where Maggie liked to lay when she was outside. Lefty continues to holler at the top of his lungs.

It is now Saturday, and I still keep crying off and on, but not as much. SO, how does this realte to living with CFIDS, well... for those of you familiar with it...STRESS KILLS (so to speak). My pain that was under control thanks to a new medicine, came back with a vengeance yesterday. And I now have an extremely sore throat and my fatigue is worse than usual. Hopefully this is just a temporary setback, and won't turn into a full blown relapse.

I never knew it would be this hard...