Just an Update - Ready to Fall

Hey all,
I know it has been awhile... and hopefully this will be short. But wanted to update my "followers". Monday, I started my first "real" job. What a whirlwind! I am SO HAPPY to be a part of this company. Although it is not exactly what I want to do in the future, it is an amazing and blessed start in my therapy career.

I am debating whether or not to share with my employer my health history, because honestly... it scares a lot of people. But I also want to be truthful from the start.
I should really be in bed by now, but... it was a long day, and I am reflecting. "Big girl job", check! Next on my agenda is love.
I am ready.
My heart is open, and I am ready to fall in love. Or at least start dating again.
I am positive that I will LOVE this job!!!!!!!!!! It was truly God's timing. Hopefully he will find a love that is right for me next. My savior has guided me to a job that is right for me... now I just need the love that he has for me :)

"Bring the Rain"

Hey everyone!...

Each day continues to bring new challenges and triumphs, laughter and tears. My Aunt is doing so much better, and was even able to leave the nursing home/rehab for several hours today. We all went to church together and then out to lunch. After lunch, I went back to my Aunt's house and we worked on one puzzle (halfway done) and finished another.

Sounds simple, right? I watched Madison play basketball in the frilly-est (sp?) dress you can imagine...and I couldn't help but smile. and then down the driveway comes miss M, in her frilly pink and brown velvet dress, on her tricycle...requesting; of all things, her mittens. I just had to laugh.

On the other hand, there is trouble brewing, and stress is mounting. My other aunts car has died for the 3rd time since we have been here. NOT good, not good at all.

OK, so on to the post title. I had never heard this song "bring the rain" by mercyme until today at church. And boy did it ever touch my heart. What an amazing message!

Worshiping next to my Goddaughters was also AMAZING. Seeing Madison especially, praising God with love, with wonder, and without apprehension; I was filled with joy and pride. I held their hands as we sang together... and after all the stress and heartache that has been, and all that will be... this was worth the rain.

You're lookin' good chickie poo

Hey all!

Things are really looking up! My aunt was moved to a rehab facility to help her regain her strength, and she is doing well .

Whenever Emma goes in to see her, or when she wants to get a laugh... in dramatic form she shakes her head and snaps her fingers from side to side , and says "you're lookin good chickie poo!" It is SO funny.

Emma is still working her way through her birthday toys, but as of now her favorite gift is a skull model. This thing has removable teeth, moving jaw, removable brain that pulls apart to see inside, etc. Oh..and its eyes glow in the dark too. That is what my mom got her. She is very interested in medicine, and has memorized a biology book. She wan'ts to be a doc when she grows up.

Eventually, I will post the rest of the pictures either here or on facebook...maybe even both.

Please continue to include us in your prayers, thank you all so much!

It's my birthday, fair and square

Emma is now FOUR YEARS OLD! I absolutely can not believe that my youngest Goddaughter is 4... I suppose she is no longer considered a toddler. We all had a wonderful, and long day... although I thought we were going to have mass hysteria when red lobster was booked until 8:30pm. She REALLY wanted red lobster for birthday dinner.

Anyway, I will blog more about it tomorrow while the kiddo's are at Sunday School. hopefully the pics will upload then.

Oh, and the headline was Emma's line tonight when she wanted to watch one more episode of little bear

Marathon

Hi Everyone...

just a quick update, because I currently do not possess any energy whatsoever. I keep trying to bottle up the energy that exudes from my energizer Goddaughters... but I can't seem to capture it.
We all feel like we have been running on a treadmill for over a week, but no one will let us get off.

My Aunt is doing much better now in comparison to how she was almost exactly a week ago. Things are making more and more sense, and although I know she is pondering the question "why me", as we all were, and still are to some degree... things are looking up. She has moved from the ICU to a step down unit, and is still under constant care with oxygen being carefully monitored. The tube is out, and she is even getting some semi-solid food...YUM.
As I tried to make the best of it today while scanning her lunch "tray"..., I must say I wanted to vomit when I took a whiff of her babyfood peaches. Somehow my mouth uttered the words "mmm, look! strained peaches, they smell great!" ... oh well. She wouldn't go near them either.

Well. Gotta get some sleep, a very special girl is turning 4 tomorrow!

God is in Control

\Hi again everyone, I just wanted to post an update on how my Aunt is doing. This seems to be one of my only outlets for the thousands of "what if's and why's running through my head. I am trying my best to be strong for everyone, and to not get the girls worried. They need to have their routine, and stay as normal as possible.
Everyone is stressed beyond belief, and tensions are high. Restless nights and stressful days are a way of life right now.
I keep praying, and I have also been talking to my grandparents (long deceased)... I have been asking them to please send her back in this direction. I know she is stubborn, but she better pull through this and do great. A few family members have also been talking to her photo...telling her to fight fight fight. I swear if there was a hidden camera in this house people would think we were a bunch of looney's w/o the knowledge of what is happening.
I didn't get to see Aunt Suzie today, and I wish I could have. They tried to take her off of the respirator today, but she was unable to breathe on her own at this point. She has been very agitated today, especially when the nurses come in to poke, prod, etc. I know she is going nuts not being able to talk. ...we are a family of motor mouths.
There is still a bunch of fluid in her lungs, but the respirator seems to be doing a good job of keeping the alveoli open and they can suction the goop out much easier this way.
She needs to pull through this.... she has to. She's got a lot of livin to do. I wish there was something I could do for her to make her more comfortable and relaxed. I know it is in God's hands, but we could really use the prayers to guide her doctors and help them have an "aha" moment.
Sarah, thank you so much for letting me cry to you. I am trying to be the strong one, but your concern, wisdom, willingness to listen to my rambling nonsense while I get to a place where I can let go and just cry means the world to me. All of my friends are amazing, but I can't burden all of them with this information.

If anyone has any suggestions how to help her calm down, please pass them on. Especially my nursing buddies.
I go in tomorrow morning to see her, and hopefully she will be somewhat responsive and less agitated.
Thanks to all, and I apologize for the length.
Cat

A turn for the worse

As most of you know, I am in PA to help out while my Aunt Suzie underwent surgery. The surgery went routinely, and as of last evening she was doing well and was set to go home as soon as she passed her urine. The good Lord was watching over the situation, because they ended up keeping her overnight. This morning we got a call that she was not getting enough oxygen, and was put on 100% o2. She did not improve, and not long after the 1st call we were told that she was puffing up and getting worse. They had to move her to ICU and intubate her.

Her three sisters made camp in the ICU waiting room, with a few other visitors stopping in to offer support. A Lutheran stevens minister from their church came in until the pastor could come. She could not have any visitors other family and a few at a time.
I spent my day occupying the girls, which required copious amounts of energy... all the while I was trying not to fall apart. Running back and forth between both houses to tend to the animals as well.
I finally got to see her around 8:15pm, but only for a few moments because she is not doing well. I cried, and prayed, and talked to her.
There are multiple things occuring in her body, and I am not sure what all they are. I do know that she has congestive heart failure and has pneumonia.
They say it will get worse before it gets better...I pray that it gets better. I know the doctors aren't going to say to us "it's hopeless, we are throwing the towel in now"... but I am really scared.
I'm spending the night with my Aunt Jo so that she is not alone and stays calm. I pray that tomorrow brings better news, but she is in Gods hands.

Please keep her and our family in your prayers.

Are we there yet?

Well, I finally made it up to PA!!! Most of the trip went great, but near the last leg we got so tired of interstates and heavy traffic that we took a back road. UGH.

Things I have learned in the past two days... when given the option of stopping for a restroom or using it while stopped, ALWAYS go... cause you never know when you will be stuck in accident traffic for 45 minutes, or stuck behind a school bus stopping every five feet.
****ALWAYS make sure there is tp before sitting down, lol
***do not eat corn dogs from a gas station
***it's not always a good idea to trust GPS 100%... it lies and gets confused
****never give a 7 year old your approximated time of arival, unless you want a lecture when you are not there in time to get her off the bus as promised. ...trouble.

In two days we got 6+ calls from the girls, mainly Madison (the 7 year old)... she wanted to know why we stopped at hotel... and when we would be there.
-She popped out of bed this morning SO excited, and I got the biggest hug EVER when we finally pulled in the driveway.
I am so thankful to be here safe and sound, thanks to all for the prayers.
I will keep you posted (as boring as it may be for you all...and amusing for a few of you).
--- as soon as Madison gets home from Brownies, I will attempt to beat her at Wii (and I just remembered that i forgot my nunchuck :(. Oh well.) It should still be fun!

Jon & Kate: Multiple Blessings

Hey to all of my fellow Jon & Kate followers. I just wanted to pass along that I finished their book tonight, and it was wonderful, for what it is worth!

Very inspiring and spiritual! I highly recommend it!!! The Duggars book is good too, but I am only half way through it. Amazon seems to be the cheapest place for both books.
Anyway, just wanted to pass that along.

Packing

Well, this will come as no surprise to Sarah, but...my resume is still not complete (serious brain fog... my fellow people with CFIDS can understand that). I have a problem with procrastination... !

I absolutely HATE packing! Love the trip, hate the packing that comes with.
_
This is aweful, but tonight I packed a small little tote bag type deal as an emergency bag. Threw in a blanket that reminds me of tinfoil, hand & feet warmers, some non perishable food, pen and paper, water, whistle, matches, newspaper for fire starting, flashlight, etc. I know it seems strange and slightly over-kill to pack such a bag, but I figured better safe than sorry.

Tomorrow will bring the last few loads of laundry, gathering more items to pack (gotta find camera charger and glasses), and who knows what else. I am hoping that I will get to see Sarah tomorrow!!!! Hint, hint!

P.S. Lefty went to the vets today and he was a trooper (I say as he scratches his face on my laptop)!!! We were really scared that the mass on his jaw was cancer, but Dr. Poston is pretty sure that it is just a cyst. She grabbed a syringe and lanced it, drew out the muck... I about fell over. She laughed because I used to work there, assisting in surgeries, etc... but apparently I lost the "vet" in me...plus, he's my baby. So all is well, got his rabies shot, and he has even gained a pound!
I am sure you all were dying to know that.
I will leave you with that sentiment.

Save your biggest hug for me...

Hey all, so it is officially official... I am going up to Pennsylvania! We are planning on leaving this weekend, weather permitting. We are praying hard that the weather clears up and stays that way for our trip. It can get pretty ugly with the temperature as low as it has been.

I am SO looking forward to it!...so much so that I actually have the desire to send out my resume now. I can't really explain it, but I need this trip...really, really, really need it. I need to help take care of my Goddaughters and Aunt, and just be with them...outside of myself. Away from reality, away from knowing that when I get home...it will be the last time in a very long time that I will be able to spend that long of a stretch with my girls, away from my job (when I get one, that is).

So here are some of the things I am most looking forward to...
* Picnic's with my girls, watching movies while eating snacks on the floor
*Seeing Madison figure skating (apparently she is several levels above age-appropriate, and has only been doing this for 6 months)...
Emma is dying to show off her new play pony stable...and I can't wait!
I get to go dress shopping with my BFF Beck for her wedding!
I am psyched to see my Aunts, I miss them terribly! My Aunt Jo will be thrilled when she finds out that I finally enjoy reading again...since I no longer have to read textbooks.
The girls are going crazy already now that they know we are coming...and the inevitable and un-relenting repitition of the words "how soon til they get here" and "are they here yet?" have begun. I bet my Aunt Brenda wishes she hadn't said anything yet... 'cause she will be hearing that until we arrive.
Madison, the smarty pants said "I will get to see them THREE times this year!!!!"
...followed by, "I am saving my biggest hug ever for Aunt Cat" ...so sweet! Then began the listing of everything we have to do when I am there :).

So tomorrow, Aunt Cat will be sending out resume's, starting to gather items to pack, and purchasing rain/snow boots.

Please pray for good weather and safe travel!

2. dress shopping
3.

Come to me

So I am really confused... I am trying to figure out what to do. I REALLY want to go to PA, but I also want to get a "big girl job" lined up. I have an unmistakeable pull in both directions. I have been praying like crazy and talking to family/friends, etc. But the right answer isnt' coming to me.

I want to be here for the start of a few worship services that I have heard about, but I also really feel the need to be there for my girls (my Goddaughters). Yes, they have a mother, a nana, Aunts, etc... but I only get to see them once, MAYBE twice a year...and I think I really need to see them. I also think that I could be a major help to my Aunts, and my mom is going up to help regardless... so, good grief!

Whenever I think that I should be practical and stay here and get a job, rather than help out and hang out... I think of those amazingly precocious little "big" girls. Madison's amazing smile and big brown eyes that melt my heart and truthfully, can/have convince me to do just about anything...

Or miss Emma's infectious giggle that has the ability to make me laugh uncontrolably over something as silly as trying on my dad's $2 pair of "cheater" reading glasses...

Or most of all... the love...




I guess I will just continue to pray, but I have the feeling I will end up picking the option that involves a very long car ride and two very big hugs.

Please pray for me and the decision I must make.

Jesus Take the Wheel

Lately, I have felt an unexplainable tug on my heart and soul... and I can only attribute it to one thing; my God. It has been so long since I have attended church on a regular basis, but have still tried to remain spiritual. I just can't seem to find a church that feels right.
I have, however, decided to find a church. There is no doubt in my heart or mind that this feeling is anything other than God pulling me back to him, and his plan for my life.

The basic stepping stones on my path have been completed (graduating from college a few times with a few degrees), practical experience in the field, etc...but I certainly need help in the life planning department to walk on and ultimately reach my destination.
Although I know exactly what I want to do, I seem to lack the motivation, devotion, and implementation skills required to follow the path that God designed for me even before I was born.
I think it is time for me to hand over control to the ultimate navigation system. It is time to listen and consider all possibilites, pray for guidance as to which turn or stop I need to make, and allow God to give me the courage and wisdom to carry out the changes that need to be made.

Bottom line, I need Jesus to take the wheel.

..........Friendship is my heart

Well... there is this funny thing that happens as you get older, you grow up (at least some people do).


As I "grow up" I have learned many things... sometimes... things that I wish I didn't have to learn, others that I can't believe I went this long without realizing.


I have learned that friendships take work. When I was younger, I was under the impression that if someone was my friend, I would not ever get mad at them and vice versa. That I wouldn't have to do anything other than be friends in order to have a good relationship. WRONG!


Just as newlyweds are under the impression that the love will just come... I was under the impression for way too long that friendships did not take work.





Recently I realized that just like any other relationship, friendship takes a bit of work. I love my friends with all of my heart, and they are such an amazing addition to my life. I figured out that friendship isn't about always being friends.


It's about loving these friends through the fun times, the crazy times, the hard times, and the trying times.
It's' about calling and talking just because you feel like it... even if you don't have the time... and even if you have absolutely nothing of importance to say (which is usually the case with me).

It's funny,... now that I have moved back home, I swear I think my friendship with one amazing friend (code shaft, lol)... has grown stronger because we are both making an attempt to call and chat whenever possible. I think it has helped me keep my sanity (shut up Sarah, I WAS sane at one time...stop laughing) now that I am back with my parents. Even though I miss her terribly, I think we talk more now than we had for awhile. We have grown so much closer, and I always enjoy making her laugh... we both seem to be really good at making the other laugh...especially when we aren't trying. Another incident of uncontrollable cackling....

Friends love you for who you are, not who you pretend to be, what you can give them, or how often you get to see them. I am blessed to have a select few "best" friends, whom I would not trade for all of the fake friends & aquaintences in the world. These friends know my heart, and I know theirs... and they know who they are.

Peace be still...please be still

I don't really have a whole lot to say at the moment... other than I am procrastinating and my mind is running all over the place. Bad, bad, bad.

I considered doing a research project on procrastination... but I never got around to it .

I am trying to organize my bedroom and study... and it is a daunting task,...anyone wanna come help?

I keep moving from one thing to another...and can't seem to get anything done.

I think my problem is I FINALLY have a day to myself, for the most part... and truthfully, I just want to stay in my pj's and curl up in the bed and watch tv.

Since I moved back in with my parents, I am constantly being questioned about what I am doing, why I am doing it, and how long I will be doing it... and I just ...grrr. I am 26 years old, and being treated like a kid most days.

I am greatful to have such supportive and loving parents who are willing to let me stay with them until I get established enough etc to be on my own again....but some days...

On to my next topic...

I am really wanting to start looking for a church family again. I really miss it, but haven't found anywhere that I really like...and haven't been looking that hard.

Well, I suppose I should work for a bit and then take a little rest.

Aunt Cat is Pennsylvania Bound

So...

This isn't completely official yet, but it's official enough for me to blog about it... because I need to.

My Aunt is undergoing surgery in mid January, and it is looking like my mom and I will be heading up to PA to help out with everything. I need to try and get a job lined up for when we return though. We are both very worried about her, and my other two aunts and how they will get through it all.

No one asked us to go up, but we both feel like we should, and we want to. It is very hard being so far away from my aunts and my Goddaughters. I miss them all so much.

My best friend since birth (literally) is getting married in October, and is having a mini "engagement" party at the begining of the month, so hopefully we will be there in time for that.

I am also really worried about my Goddaughter Madison.

She has always been so active, and still is... but for the past few years she has been getting sick frequently, and it always seems to hit her...HARD. A few weeks ago it was a bad case of pneumonia, and now it is something called 5ths disease...never heard of it, but it is apparently legit. What worries me the most is her fevers... she keeps spiking temps of up to 106 that just won't stay under control on their own. I am scared to death of it spiking during the night and causing irreversible damage...I knew someone from church who was permanently handicapped mentally from a spike in temp.

I will feel much better once I see her and hug her... I am thinking this Aunt Cat is gonna be tagging along to the doc's if her mom will let me. I miss them both so much (left to right Madison, Aunt Cat, and Emma). Emma doll, you my dear need to stop growing too! You are both just getting too big! You don't need to hold off growing too much longer, Aunt Cat is on her way (in a week or so).

It's been awhile

Hey everyone!

My apologies for taking so long to post again, I will try to do better now that I am DONE SCHOOL!!!

There have been a lot of changes in my life lately... I graduated with my Masters in counseling, and am currently seeking employment and supervision so that I can get licensed in the not to distant future. I am still alone, and still no admirerers...so if anyone knows any motivated single men...send em my way, lol. Many of my friends have gotten married, suffered losses that I can't even begin to relate to, and had children. I had the opportunity to see the movie fireproof, and it moved me...even as a single woman, it was thought provoking and worthwhile.

Last April I suffered a small stroke that completely turned my world upside down. It confirmed to me that there are some people that just can't handle being friends with someone who is sick...and there are others who would take a bullet for me, and support me no matter how tough the times are, without any alterior motives.

Someone whom I considered to be a very dear friend completely stopped talking to me after this incident, but handled it for two years prior. It killed me for so long, and then when she accused me of trying to make her feel guilty for cutting off contact, the knife was not only in me, but was twisted. For about a week recently I was really upset because I felt (and some days still do) that I had/have been forgotten by someone whom I, unfortunately will never forget. But through lots of prayer, listening to loss of friendship songs, and just allowing myself to be upset, I have been feeling better about the situation.

I have strengthened my relationship with one of my best friends, and I feel more like she is a sister. I don't know what I would do without her. God has blessed me with amazing friends who understand and rejoice with me in my strengths, support me through my weaknesses, and encourage me in my future.

I hate not being around my "sister" Sarah anymore since I moved back in with my parents in Cleveland. But we talk so much more now, and honestly...I doubt our parents could have handled us as sisters. Sarah and Caitlin, I love you both and could not live without your friendship. And Beck, I love you too!... Being so far away has pulled us apart somewhat... but I miss you and can't wait to be the maid of honor in your wedding.

I came across a wall hanging that spoke to me... it said "There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past, there is a reason why they didn't make it into your future."

The verse Peter 5:10 was also helpful in the healing process. Everyone has a story.

So, that is all for now, I believe.

Overwhelmed

Hey guys and gals, how goes it???

I am a few weeks into my 2nd year of grad school... and it's kicking my ass! I want to stay on top of things, but I just can't!! I want to do other things because they are easier for me to comprehend, and well... frankly, they are more enjoyable.

I can't remember jack about group sessions to write my logs, even if I go to write them directly after it is over. I joke about it being procrastination... but I am mentally just not able for some reason. I don't like asking for the accomodations that I am entitled to... even though I should. Other classes are ok, minus one, where I want to inflict physical pain every time I enter the classroom....it just sucks!

My mom injured herself, so I am worried about that, and my Aunt is having to undergo yet another surgery, which has me concerned as well.

I am the maid of honor in one wedding, and a bridesmaid in another (both close friends)... and I am SO honored!!! I have even gotten to go along to pick out dresses! Wedding stuff is so fun for me! I love helping out with this stuff! I was with Sarah when she picked out her wedding dress, and I almost cried!

The day I was with Sarah and her mom, I ended up staying awake from 9am that morning until 10pm Sunday. I thought it was from activity, but in reality I think it is because I hurt a very dear friend. I am trying to make amends with her, but I understand that she is still angry with me. That night I collapsed on the bathroom floor crying, for many reasons. No one in real life approaches me, I still feel like I need to pretend everything is fine when it's not, and I'm just at my breaking point.
I want to be everything for everyone. I have a test tomorrow, and dumby me, I haven't studied yet. Taking a friend out to lunch for her birthday, and trying to plan a bday party for her over the weekend. All of which I enjoy doing!
The weddings are rapidly approaching, and I love being in them! I just have to be careful not to carry out MY visions in their weddings. I love you two!!!!!! And miss Caitlin, your's is coming up soon too!!!

Alright, well... I am overwhelmed with everything, but in a good way. I want to date, but that is difficult as well. I'm trying to be real and "in the moment"... but it's much harder than I thought! I am continuously reminded of the poem "paintbrush". Ok, about to fall asleep.

Love to all, always and forever...
Cat

A friends wedding and Random thoughts from yours truly...

Sunday October 22, 2006

So... I am positively miserable tonight. I feel like I'm coming down with something, or it's just the excitement from the day.

A friend of ours got married today... it was a Catholic ceremony, with plenty of kneeling-praying-kneel-stand-sit-pray etc.../ My friends and I went together, which was great... the inseperables minus one were back together again!

It is actually kind of sad to go to these weddings... but I love them anyway. I cried...yes, I cried. The photo queen was there to capture the special moments and provide tissues for the mother of the bride. Not to mention ponder when and if I will ever get married.
I'm thinking I want to wait until I have started my practice... or more importantly, starting to date again would be a good start (lol)! No one knows what life brings. The boquet toss was interesting... I almost caught it, until it took an unexpected and hillarious twist of fate... and clobered one of my friends on the head. She didn't catch it... it caught her right upside the head . Guess she's next!

Balancing time with friends is an interesting task, so is replying to/ignoring (depending on who or what people say) new people that have taken a sudden interest in me. Completing assignments on time is also a daunting task ...
I'm so tired it hurts, but I can't seem to sleep. Letting go of the day is difficult for me, and it's making me crazy!
My mom is finally coming home after over a month in PA helping take care of an injured Aunt. We are very close, but lately I feel myself pulling away. Not from the closeness... but from the whole answering to someone... I have grown so much intellectually, spiritually and socially during this semester, and I don't want to... oh hell, I don't know!
I am also missing my Goddaughters desperately right now, and vice versa. Ok, so that's all for tonight

November, 2006 Pain Attack

OK... let me just say OW! Not writing this to whine... just vent. The rain is getting to me worse today than it usually does. Just sitting upright is painful for me right now. I have a class tonight where I'm going to be going over 3 chapters... marvelous. And tomorrow I have about a 2.5 hour drive home for the weekend. I'm totally wishing I could skip class right about now, but that wouldn't be very studious of me now would it.? I seriously think I might cry, and that's unusual for the pain to be so bad that I can't handle it. Normally I suck it up. Ok, so that's enough bitching for today :)
Love to all!Cat