Over it... a breakthrough in life

So, perhaps my last post had you all thinking I was in it for the long haul. God had other ideas. I threw myself into this new experience full force. And while I thought I had met someone for good... I was wrong. And that is ok. While I thought God was telling my heart he was "the one", I think he was just preparing my heart for me to find "the one". I was SO wrapped up in this experience and how much I liked being in a relationship, that i guess I let it fool my heart. But boy did I love the way I felt. I loved feeling lighter than air, and getting a smile whenever I heard from him, thought of him, or talked about him. I almost felt silly. I couldn't believe how fast it started and how much faster it evolved. But although I am sad that it has ended... I am even happier that I now remember the joy of feeling special and "loved" by someone other than family and friends.
As much as I loved that feeling, I am going to TRY and focus on things OTHER than searching for someone... haha. Tell that to the recently aquired eharmony subscription. But who says I can't keep my eyes and heart open while exploring other things??? After all, these things take time.
So here are the top 10 things I'm focusing on right now.
1) Accepting myself for who I AM, and who GOD WANTS ME TO BE. Trying to remember that while I may like to plan, God's timing and plan for my life is much more likely to be successful than my own. I need to trust it.
2) Going to church again
3) Foster care review board that I am now a member of
4) Training to become a CASA (court appointed special advocate)
5) job searching *STILL*
6) Branching out and meeting new people - STEP 1... a singles game night tomorrow (today)... and no, this is not an attempt to meet a mate. Just friends and fellowship.
7) My returning love of literature. YAY! I've finally gotten over the "panic attacks" that I aquired during grad school. My newfound author that I LOVE is Jodi Piccoult. Finished reading "handle with care" in less than 4 days... what an amazing story. My cousin Kendra is kind enough to send me her collection, yay!
8) Accepting things for what they are, and nothing more. According to my late uncle david: "if you can do something about it, do it; if you can't, don't waste your time and drop it". How refreshing this concept is... and less stressful.
9) Going to Sarah's masters graduation!!! I cannot tell you how proud I am of her for FINALLY finishing her thesis and graduating! I love her so much, and can't imagine my life without such an amazing and influential friend.
10) Last, but not least... blogging more and creating a support group in my town for those with chronic illness.
Oh yeah, and exercising again... more.

Apologies for the length, but it's been awhile... it's late, and, well, it's me.
In the words of Sarah "I know you can't imagine anything better than this, and don't want to... but maybe this is preparation for someone even better." Way to go Sarah, you hit the nail on the head once again... and a month before I figured it out :).

When you least expect it... an update

Well, for those of you who are "faithful" followers of my blog, my apologies for my lack of updates recently. I have been on the craziest ride over the past few months, and all I can attribute it to is God's timing and plan for me.

I had two wonderful visits with my family from PA when they came down to visit this summer, and also lost my job three months into it. Unfortunately, employers in public fields are low on funding, and not understanding of a person with chronic health conditions.

So I have been on a quest for a new job.

On October 3rd, I stood at the alter while my best friend of 27 years married the man of her dreams.

Lets Recap: After the rehearsal and dinner, we had a horrible trying to kick drunk cops out of the reception hall that we were supposed to get to decorate by 10pm... and didn't get to start until 3am, me practically being called a B**** by the manager for objecting to this nonsense, a drunk woman making the bride cry, creepy showers, and seeing "dead people"... sleep became obsolete. 5 girls, one room... in a COMPLETELY empty large former "gentlemans club" with a supposed secret hallway, it was DARN creepy.

We hid from the ghosts that Lauren was POSITIVE were present...

And with the lack of sleep and excitement mounting, we giggled, gossiped, and took crazy pics into the wee hours of the morning....

The wedding itself was AMAZING! The pics were fab and everyone looked top notch. ... see?...

The next morning came way too early, and we all began it with redbull...

Talk about a life saver! The rest of the wedding went off without a hitch (at least no major ones). And I competed for a man with my 4 year old flirt of a niece.

I cried, I danced, I laughed and peed my pants. FYI ladies... the hole that claims you can pee out of while wearing spanx DOES NOT WORK! Eventful all around!

And after all of that,

my birthday double date!

....

Love to all,

Cat

Count Down to the cutest kids ever!

So, tomorrow is fathers day, and my Godbabies, aunts and family friend are coming to visit!
I ABSOLUTELY cannot wait!

I am really bummed though, because I can't take any vacation while they are here... and to make it even worse, I will be on call :'(.
There are so many things I want to do while they are here, but won't be able to do much at all.

Oh well.

Lab work, OH MY

So, my fearless doctor... Peter C. Rowe...without whom I would most definately be dead by now, sent me a wonderful gift in the mail. A laundry list of blood work with a post it not on it saying "we'll get a more complete set of labs when you come up for your next appointment".

My fatigue and pain have been so much worse lately... so he sent me this list to go over when I am able to get to Hopkins to see him. Hahahhaa... how much more complete can you get than this.....

CBC, differential, Comprehensive metabolic panel, C-reactive protein,Free T4, TSH

Vitamin B12, Vitamin D; 25-hydroxy , Vitamin A, Ferritin

Tissue transglutaminase antibody, carnitine

Lyme ELISA antibody, Lyme western blot IgG and IgM

IgG and IgM antibodies to Babesia microti

IgG and IgM antibodies to human granulocytic ehrlichiosis

IgG and IgM antibodies to human monocytic erlichiosis

Quantitative immunoglobulins (IgG, IgM, IgA)

ANA and double-stranded DNA

C3 and C4 complement

FUN!

So in addition to the increase in pain and fatigue, I am frequently having pressure headaches at my surgery site. I often hear gurgling (sp) and have swelling in the surgical area...even though the surgery was 9 years ago. The fear is, because of the Ehlers danlos; the cerebellar tonsil has re-descended into the area that they made larger and is also filling with spinal fluid. I have a feeling I am also in for MRI's to determine if a shunt will need to be inserted.

I am not in panic mode yet, as he tells me when it is time. I have complete faith in my doctors, my family, and most of all, my GOD. I will need to take a few hours off of work to have the lab work done...as I have been told that it is approximately 13 vials of blood, and we will go from there.

So keep praying that everything goes as it should, and if something is found in these labs, that it is treatable and will help make me more functional once remedied.

Heart and Soul... RIP uncle Tom

This week has been pretty terrible for my entire family. Very early Tuesday morning we got a phone call from my Uncle Tom's wife. It startled all of us from our sleep. I walked into my parents room groggy and stumbling to make sure everything was ok.
I heard my mom shout "WHAT"!? and I began to get nervous. My dad sat up and I sat down when my mom uttered the words "he's dead".
My Uncle Tom, the coolest uncle of all, had passed away unexpectedly.
I woke up the next morning (after laying awake for hours, only to fall asleep 1 hr before I needed to get up for work). I thought "oh thank goodness, it was a dream", but then I checked the caller ID. It wasn't a dream.

I took Tuesday as a bereavement day at work, and my parents left for the service the next morning. Since it was in CT, I had to stay home. I will never get to say goodbye, get a card from him, or play "heart and soul" on the piano with him again.
And we were supposed to see him this summer, too.

Tell your family that you love them. Please, I beg you... don't assume that they know. People need to hear that, and you never know when the last time you will be able to say that to them again.

Just an Update - Ready to Fall

Hey all,
I know it has been awhile... and hopefully this will be short. But wanted to update my "followers". Monday, I started my first "real" job. What a whirlwind! I am SO HAPPY to be a part of this company. Although it is not exactly what I want to do in the future, it is an amazing and blessed start in my therapy career.

I am debating whether or not to share with my employer my health history, because honestly... it scares a lot of people. But I also want to be truthful from the start.
I should really be in bed by now, but... it was a long day, and I am reflecting. "Big girl job", check! Next on my agenda is love.
I am ready.
My heart is open, and I am ready to fall in love. Or at least start dating again.
I am positive that I will LOVE this job!!!!!!!!!! It was truly God's timing. Hopefully he will find a love that is right for me next. My savior has guided me to a job that is right for me... now I just need the love that he has for me :)

"Bring the Rain"

Hey everyone!...

Each day continues to bring new challenges and triumphs, laughter and tears. My Aunt is doing so much better, and was even able to leave the nursing home/rehab for several hours today. We all went to church together and then out to lunch. After lunch, I went back to my Aunt's house and we worked on one puzzle (halfway done) and finished another.

Sounds simple, right? I watched Madison play basketball in the frilly-est (sp?) dress you can imagine...and I couldn't help but smile. and then down the driveway comes miss M, in her frilly pink and brown velvet dress, on her tricycle...requesting; of all things, her mittens. I just had to laugh.

On the other hand, there is trouble brewing, and stress is mounting. My other aunts car has died for the 3rd time since we have been here. NOT good, not good at all.

OK, so on to the post title. I had never heard this song "bring the rain" by mercyme until today at church. And boy did it ever touch my heart. What an amazing message!

Worshiping next to my Goddaughters was also AMAZING. Seeing Madison especially, praising God with love, with wonder, and without apprehension; I was filled with joy and pride. I held their hands as we sang together... and after all the stress and heartache that has been, and all that will be... this was worth the rain.

You're lookin' good chickie poo

Hey all!

Things are really looking up! My aunt was moved to a rehab facility to help her regain her strength, and she is doing well .

Whenever Emma goes in to see her, or when she wants to get a laugh... in dramatic form she shakes her head and snaps her fingers from side to side , and says "you're lookin good chickie poo!" It is SO funny.

Emma is still working her way through her birthday toys, but as of now her favorite gift is a skull model. This thing has removable teeth, moving jaw, removable brain that pulls apart to see inside, etc. Oh..and its eyes glow in the dark too. That is what my mom got her. She is very interested in medicine, and has memorized a biology book. She wan'ts to be a doc when she grows up.

Eventually, I will post the rest of the pictures either here or on facebook...maybe even both.

Please continue to include us in your prayers, thank you all so much!

It's my birthday, fair and square

Emma is now FOUR YEARS OLD! I absolutely can not believe that my youngest Goddaughter is 4... I suppose she is no longer considered a toddler. We all had a wonderful, and long day... although I thought we were going to have mass hysteria when red lobster was booked until 8:30pm. She REALLY wanted red lobster for birthday dinner.

Anyway, I will blog more about it tomorrow while the kiddo's are at Sunday School. hopefully the pics will upload then.

Oh, and the headline was Emma's line tonight when she wanted to watch one more episode of little bear

Marathon

Hi Everyone...

just a quick update, because I currently do not possess any energy whatsoever. I keep trying to bottle up the energy that exudes from my energizer Goddaughters... but I can't seem to capture it.
We all feel like we have been running on a treadmill for over a week, but no one will let us get off.

My Aunt is doing much better now in comparison to how she was almost exactly a week ago. Things are making more and more sense, and although I know she is pondering the question "why me", as we all were, and still are to some degree... things are looking up. She has moved from the ICU to a step down unit, and is still under constant care with oxygen being carefully monitored. The tube is out, and she is even getting some semi-solid food...YUM.
As I tried to make the best of it today while scanning her lunch "tray"..., I must say I wanted to vomit when I took a whiff of her babyfood peaches. Somehow my mouth uttered the words "mmm, look! strained peaches, they smell great!" ... oh well. She wouldn't go near them either.

Well. Gotta get some sleep, a very special girl is turning 4 tomorrow!

God is in Control

\Hi again everyone, I just wanted to post an update on how my Aunt is doing. This seems to be one of my only outlets for the thousands of "what if's and why's running through my head. I am trying my best to be strong for everyone, and to not get the girls worried. They need to have their routine, and stay as normal as possible.
Everyone is stressed beyond belief, and tensions are high. Restless nights and stressful days are a way of life right now.
I keep praying, and I have also been talking to my grandparents (long deceased)... I have been asking them to please send her back in this direction. I know she is stubborn, but she better pull through this and do great. A few family members have also been talking to her photo...telling her to fight fight fight. I swear if there was a hidden camera in this house people would think we were a bunch of looney's w/o the knowledge of what is happening.
I didn't get to see Aunt Suzie today, and I wish I could have. They tried to take her off of the respirator today, but she was unable to breathe on her own at this point. She has been very agitated today, especially when the nurses come in to poke, prod, etc. I know she is going nuts not being able to talk. ...we are a family of motor mouths.
There is still a bunch of fluid in her lungs, but the respirator seems to be doing a good job of keeping the alveoli open and they can suction the goop out much easier this way.
She needs to pull through this.... she has to. She's got a lot of livin to do. I wish there was something I could do for her to make her more comfortable and relaxed. I know it is in God's hands, but we could really use the prayers to guide her doctors and help them have an "aha" moment.
Sarah, thank you so much for letting me cry to you. I am trying to be the strong one, but your concern, wisdom, willingness to listen to my rambling nonsense while I get to a place where I can let go and just cry means the world to me. All of my friends are amazing, but I can't burden all of them with this information.

If anyone has any suggestions how to help her calm down, please pass them on. Especially my nursing buddies.
I go in tomorrow morning to see her, and hopefully she will be somewhat responsive and less agitated.
Thanks to all, and I apologize for the length.
Cat

A turn for the worse

As most of you know, I am in PA to help out while my Aunt Suzie underwent surgery. The surgery went routinely, and as of last evening she was doing well and was set to go home as soon as she passed her urine. The good Lord was watching over the situation, because they ended up keeping her overnight. This morning we got a call that she was not getting enough oxygen, and was put on 100% o2. She did not improve, and not long after the 1st call we were told that she was puffing up and getting worse. They had to move her to ICU and intubate her.

Her three sisters made camp in the ICU waiting room, with a few other visitors stopping in to offer support. A Lutheran stevens minister from their church came in until the pastor could come. She could not have any visitors other family and a few at a time.
I spent my day occupying the girls, which required copious amounts of energy... all the while I was trying not to fall apart. Running back and forth between both houses to tend to the animals as well.
I finally got to see her around 8:15pm, but only for a few moments because she is not doing well. I cried, and prayed, and talked to her.
There are multiple things occuring in her body, and I am not sure what all they are. I do know that she has congestive heart failure and has pneumonia.
They say it will get worse before it gets better...I pray that it gets better. I know the doctors aren't going to say to us "it's hopeless, we are throwing the towel in now"... but I am really scared.
I'm spending the night with my Aunt Jo so that she is not alone and stays calm. I pray that tomorrow brings better news, but she is in Gods hands.

Please keep her and our family in your prayers.

Are we there yet?

Well, I finally made it up to PA!!! Most of the trip went great, but near the last leg we got so tired of interstates and heavy traffic that we took a back road. UGH.

Things I have learned in the past two days... when given the option of stopping for a restroom or using it while stopped, ALWAYS go... cause you never know when you will be stuck in accident traffic for 45 minutes, or stuck behind a school bus stopping every five feet.
****ALWAYS make sure there is tp before sitting down, lol
***do not eat corn dogs from a gas station
***it's not always a good idea to trust GPS 100%... it lies and gets confused
****never give a 7 year old your approximated time of arival, unless you want a lecture when you are not there in time to get her off the bus as promised. ...trouble.

In two days we got 6+ calls from the girls, mainly Madison (the 7 year old)... she wanted to know why we stopped at hotel... and when we would be there.
-She popped out of bed this morning SO excited, and I got the biggest hug EVER when we finally pulled in the driveway.
I am so thankful to be here safe and sound, thanks to all for the prayers.
I will keep you posted (as boring as it may be for you all...and amusing for a few of you).
--- as soon as Madison gets home from Brownies, I will attempt to beat her at Wii (and I just remembered that i forgot my nunchuck :(. Oh well.) It should still be fun!

Jon & Kate: Multiple Blessings

Hey to all of my fellow Jon & Kate followers. I just wanted to pass along that I finished their book tonight, and it was wonderful, for what it is worth!

Very inspiring and spiritual! I highly recommend it!!! The Duggars book is good too, but I am only half way through it. Amazon seems to be the cheapest place for both books.
Anyway, just wanted to pass that along.

Packing

Well, this will come as no surprise to Sarah, but...my resume is still not complete (serious brain fog... my fellow people with CFIDS can understand that). I have a problem with procrastination... !

I absolutely HATE packing! Love the trip, hate the packing that comes with.
_
This is aweful, but tonight I packed a small little tote bag type deal as an emergency bag. Threw in a blanket that reminds me of tinfoil, hand & feet warmers, some non perishable food, pen and paper, water, whistle, matches, newspaper for fire starting, flashlight, etc. I know it seems strange and slightly over-kill to pack such a bag, but I figured better safe than sorry.

Tomorrow will bring the last few loads of laundry, gathering more items to pack (gotta find camera charger and glasses), and who knows what else. I am hoping that I will get to see Sarah tomorrow!!!! Hint, hint!

P.S. Lefty went to the vets today and he was a trooper (I say as he scratches his face on my laptop)!!! We were really scared that the mass on his jaw was cancer, but Dr. Poston is pretty sure that it is just a cyst. She grabbed a syringe and lanced it, drew out the muck... I about fell over. She laughed because I used to work there, assisting in surgeries, etc... but apparently I lost the "vet" in me...plus, he's my baby. So all is well, got his rabies shot, and he has even gained a pound!
I am sure you all were dying to know that.
I will leave you with that sentiment.

Save your biggest hug for me...

Hey all, so it is officially official... I am going up to Pennsylvania! We are planning on leaving this weekend, weather permitting. We are praying hard that the weather clears up and stays that way for our trip. It can get pretty ugly with the temperature as low as it has been.

I am SO looking forward to it!...so much so that I actually have the desire to send out my resume now. I can't really explain it, but I need this trip...really, really, really need it. I need to help take care of my Goddaughters and Aunt, and just be with them...outside of myself. Away from reality, away from knowing that when I get home...it will be the last time in a very long time that I will be able to spend that long of a stretch with my girls, away from my job (when I get one, that is).

So here are some of the things I am most looking forward to...
* Picnic's with my girls, watching movies while eating snacks on the floor
*Seeing Madison figure skating (apparently she is several levels above age-appropriate, and has only been doing this for 6 months)...
Emma is dying to show off her new play pony stable...and I can't wait!
I get to go dress shopping with my BFF Beck for her wedding!
I am psyched to see my Aunts, I miss them terribly! My Aunt Jo will be thrilled when she finds out that I finally enjoy reading again...since I no longer have to read textbooks.
The girls are going crazy already now that they know we are coming...and the inevitable and un-relenting repitition of the words "how soon til they get here" and "are they here yet?" have begun. I bet my Aunt Brenda wishes she hadn't said anything yet... 'cause she will be hearing that until we arrive.
Madison, the smarty pants said "I will get to see them THREE times this year!!!!"
...followed by, "I am saving my biggest hug ever for Aunt Cat" ...so sweet! Then began the listing of everything we have to do when I am there :).

So tomorrow, Aunt Cat will be sending out resume's, starting to gather items to pack, and purchasing rain/snow boots.

Please pray for good weather and safe travel!

2. dress shopping
3.

Come to me

So I am really confused... I am trying to figure out what to do. I REALLY want to go to PA, but I also want to get a "big girl job" lined up. I have an unmistakeable pull in both directions. I have been praying like crazy and talking to family/friends, etc. But the right answer isnt' coming to me.

I want to be here for the start of a few worship services that I have heard about, but I also really feel the need to be there for my girls (my Goddaughters). Yes, they have a mother, a nana, Aunts, etc... but I only get to see them once, MAYBE twice a year...and I think I really need to see them. I also think that I could be a major help to my Aunts, and my mom is going up to help regardless... so, good grief!

Whenever I think that I should be practical and stay here and get a job, rather than help out and hang out... I think of those amazingly precocious little "big" girls. Madison's amazing smile and big brown eyes that melt my heart and truthfully, can/have convince me to do just about anything...

Or miss Emma's infectious giggle that has the ability to make me laugh uncontrolably over something as silly as trying on my dad's $2 pair of "cheater" reading glasses...

Or most of all... the love...




I guess I will just continue to pray, but I have the feeling I will end up picking the option that involves a very long car ride and two very big hugs.

Please pray for me and the decision I must make.

Jesus Take the Wheel

Lately, I have felt an unexplainable tug on my heart and soul... and I can only attribute it to one thing; my God. It has been so long since I have attended church on a regular basis, but have still tried to remain spiritual. I just can't seem to find a church that feels right.
I have, however, decided to find a church. There is no doubt in my heart or mind that this feeling is anything other than God pulling me back to him, and his plan for my life.

The basic stepping stones on my path have been completed (graduating from college a few times with a few degrees), practical experience in the field, etc...but I certainly need help in the life planning department to walk on and ultimately reach my destination.
Although I know exactly what I want to do, I seem to lack the motivation, devotion, and implementation skills required to follow the path that God designed for me even before I was born.
I think it is time for me to hand over control to the ultimate navigation system. It is time to listen and consider all possibilites, pray for guidance as to which turn or stop I need to make, and allow God to give me the courage and wisdom to carry out the changes that need to be made.

Bottom line, I need Jesus to take the wheel.